Hope Springs Eternal

love and light, sistergarteners. i added some seeds to my garden. quite a bit of water and sunshine, too.

i don't really know where the beginning of this story is (perhaps in a womb somewhere 20-"some-odd" years ago), so i'll just start somewhere in the middle. a few weeks ago, i attended the hope springs institute's first annual women's poetry and performance retreat. according to their website, hope springs is "a retreat center in the Appalachian foothills, [and] a place of rest, peace and benevolence. It is situated in an exceptional natural environment, and offers educational programs that help people live mindful, creative, healthy lives." after my experience there, i'm at a bit of a loss for words, so those will have to do for now. i can only add that i was on sacred ground-- "holy in ways my words can't explain, but maybe three little birds could" (-rhythm, "Soul Reacher- Bob Marley" from Libations, Vol. 1). yep, i just quoted myself.

i've been avoiding writing about this experience for a few reasons. first, i simply don't have the words to describe the magnitude to which this experience affected my life. secondly, a part of me wants to keep the experience sacred and personal. so to that end, i've decided not to share many details. when anyone has asked me "how was it?" my response has been, "life changing." that's the best i can do. for the benefit of the sister- (and brother)garteners, i'll add that the housing was welcoming and comfortable. the food was AMAZING...so much so i made myself miserable on the second day with a lovely combination of heartburn and plain old glutton-belly. the women were inspiring...i have made vital bonds. the land and sacred spaces were nurturing. the whole long weekend actually was a retreat in every sense of the word. i was well taken care of.

i'd be remiss if i didn't mention the writing workshops. every day, i was faced with the challenge of reaching deep within myself and pouring the contents (beautiful, ugly, or otherwise) out on the page. and as writers (and in particular poets), we challenge ourselves to do this often, in an effort to honor the gift we have been given. but as humans, we also can retreat from this challenge when the ugly gets too ugly. i am so eternally grateful that the truth and beauty of hope springs wouldn't allow me to do that. i dug deep. deeper than i could have imagined. and i found so much healing in that journey and in the supportive circle of women (and a blessed angel-baby) from various geographic locations, racial and ethnic backgrounds, religions, sexual orientations, and ages. and i began to peel back a few more layers of my true self. most importantly, i was reminded to keep peeling.

"and that's all i have to say about that." -forrest gump

be. fly.

rhythm

Kindergarten for Woman

kaihalulu


"The universe is one great kindergarten for [wo/]man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. The mountain teaches stability and grandeur; the ocean immensity and change. Forests, lakes, and rivers, clouds and winds, stars and flowers, stupendous glaciers and crystal snowflakes - every form of animate or inanimate existence, leaves its impress upon the soul of [wo/]man." ~Orison Swett Marden

be. fly.

rhythm

Flowers for the Garden: BLACKsummers'night

he's back. and right on time.

maxwell's long-awaited release, BLACKsummers'night finds his ever-loyal fan base ready to fully immerse themselves in his smooth, sultry grooves. he does not disappoint. the first of a slated trilogy is a masterpiece in my oh-so-humble opinion. it has been (and will remain) in HEAVY rotation for this music-lover.

but this isn't an album review so much as it is commentary on my love of music...the most giving flowers in my garden. whenever i get new music, i imagine myself as a child unwrapping and devouring a sloppy cheeseburger. it's true. ketchup at the corners of my mouth, licking my fingers, not daring to stop and wipe my mouth because i'm totally in the moment. that's not me being poetic. this is really what i feel like every time. interestingly enough, i only eat veggie burgers in real life. but in these moments, the symbolic burgers are ALL BEEF. but i digress. i DEVOURED this cd tuesday and haven't stopped playing it since. [insert cheesy (lol) metaphor about food for the soul]. off the cuff, "fistful of tears" was my instant favorite, but the cd is such a solid package, the tracks will likely all take turns being my favorites.

i even had a very healing moment during my first listen, for which i'm deeply grateful.

after a rough month, i was in dire need of some new (great) music. and i will forever remember maxwell and BLACKsummers'night for being so perfect in this time.

Living a Legacy

the month of june was full of death. it probably was no more than any other month, but when one loses her own father and the king of pop within a matter of weeks, loss seems magnified. and there were, of course, the deaths of farrah fawcett, ed mcmahon, and billy mays as well. i'm almost afraid to turn on the morning news at this point...

for a number of reasons, mj's death affected me tremendously. initially, i was shocked. soon after, i realized i was so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from the death of my father that i didn't even have space to mourn michael as i might have otherwise. it's a bizarre feeling to not really know where i fall on the spectrum of fans reacting to his death.

i realized something else while indulging in the persistant michael mania (music and videos, not the media melee that immediately ensued). it was as if everything i had been feeling over the previous 3 weeks was now being shared by people all over the world. the sadness, confusion, loss, and celebration and appreciation of life were almost universal. and then a deep sadness came over me as it occured to me, i felt such an overwhelming sense of loss when my father died, and i'm an adult. what must mj's children feel like right now? and i realize young children lose parents all the time, but unfortunately, these children are also targets for the same kinds of people that sought to take advantage of their father. but i digress.

at some point between mourning and celebration of both of these men, i began to think about legacy. hearing my father's family and childhood friends recount stories of him helping them in some way introduced me to a side of him that i certainly recognized but couldn't have appreciated in that way; i knew him as my father, not much as a man independent of that role. i began to think of how people will remember me when i'm gone...what character traits will stand out the most to them? and examining the impact mj had on the world in his 50 years of life begged the same questions, but regarding my contributions to art and humanity on a larger scale.

i haven't come up with any answers, but i'm determined to do just that in the way that i live.

Shining Down

you thought i was down...you thought i was gone...thought i wasn't around...that i left you alone....but look up in the sky. just look up in the sky. see that i'm everywhere, everywhere...shining down on you. ~matthew santos on lupe fiasco's "shining down"

it's been a while, sistergarteners.

to put it mildly, my garden has survived a storm over the last couple of weeks. my father died. in a quest to accept the reality of this loss, i've made an effort to avoid all the euphemisms that come with death. because i'm still in the phase of not really believing the finality of it all. i still get the urge to pick up the phone to check on him, and i still sometimes think, "well what if..." and try to finish the sentence with some possible way for me to see him again. and not in heaven. i mean here on earth. yes, my brain is still adjusting.

fortunately for me, i've had an amazing group of family, friends, poets, and colleagues tending my garden while i was unable to. one of whom, perhaps still unaware of my loss, sent me a leaked lupe fiasco song called "shining down." the hook sounded like an answer from my father to a question i had been asking him all day. and i'm learning to accept that answer.

i'm not nearly far along enough in the process of healing to give any sage advice, nor am i the type to give advice, sage or otherwise. but i always find solace in the most interesting places, so maybe someone will find it here.

meanwhile, i'll be looking up in the sky.