Shining Down

you thought i was down...you thought i was gone...thought i wasn't around...that i left you alone....but look up in the sky. just look up in the sky. see that i'm everywhere, everywhere...shining down on you. ~matthew santos on lupe fiasco's "shining down"

it's been a while, sistergarteners.

to put it mildly, my garden has survived a storm over the last couple of weeks. my father died. in a quest to accept the reality of this loss, i've made an effort to avoid all the euphemisms that come with death. because i'm still in the phase of not really believing the finality of it all. i still get the urge to pick up the phone to check on him, and i still sometimes think, "well what if..." and try to finish the sentence with some possible way for me to see him again. and not in heaven. i mean here on earth. yes, my brain is still adjusting.

fortunately for me, i've had an amazing group of family, friends, poets, and colleagues tending my garden while i was unable to. one of whom, perhaps still unaware of my loss, sent me a leaked lupe fiasco song called "shining down." the hook sounded like an answer from my father to a question i had been asking him all day. and i'm learning to accept that answer.

i'm not nearly far along enough in the process of healing to give any sage advice, nor am i the type to give advice, sage or otherwise. but i always find solace in the most interesting places, so maybe someone will find it here.

meanwhile, i'll be looking up in the sky.